Through my words

Oh hai Eric!

I'm going to come and see you! I'll be in New York (!) on the 24th! Flynn is my sugardaddy and he's flying me over because HALLOWEEN and also FLYNN and also YOU and also SPECTRE and omgjizzinmypants.

Is anyone ever who they say they are?

I'm about to impart some serious wisdom to everyone out there.

Never call Flynn's bluff on anything. If he says he's going to show up at 6:15 in the morning for pancakes and lols, HE REALLY WILL.
( Morning had broken, like that old teacup )

Sooooooooooooooooo much has happened...

Some of it really bad, some of it really good, some of it which could have gone either way but I hope'll be good for everyone in the end. Change is what you make it and safe to say that I haven't been bored for a very, very long time, and I don't think I'm going to be bored for a long time in the future, either, so much is going on and going to be going on...

So last time I posted publicly I was in hospital with head injuries, and it doesn't hurt anymore but the bump has sort of incorporated itself into the geography of my head, all under my hair there, and that's okay, because people are bumpy things. Bumps mean life! Not in a pregnant way...

I survived that, though. I survived it and my friends survived it but there's still woods we need to find our way out of cos there's dark things in the woods, and trees make it easy for them to sneak up on us, and we'll find our way out on day, but for now it's still iffy. Iffy in a dangerous way.

Kids, believing in something is awesome. Belief will get you thought a lot of the darkness in life and I'm not just talking about religious belief, but all the kinds. But remember, when, in the process of fighting for your beliefs, you're doing things like giving me concussion, maybe you oughta stop and take stock and wonder that you might be going too far.

Cos squashing other people while trying to reshape the world the way you want it to be is only going to give other people reason to want to squash you and then it's the continuation of a huge cycle of squashing that's been going on for all of forever, BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE TO STAY THAT WAY!

Break the cycle...

Use your imagination. Find a way.

THAT'S strength.

Anyway.

Music.

Nothing stays the same forever. Catatonia changed into Outdance the Devil and although there have been and will be more changes, Outdance the Devil is staying as Outdance the Devil, and maybe these changes are us, finding our feet, finding the skin that fits, finding our sound and our core.

Losing Eric was a blow, he contributed so much toward the band, he and I had been working together for so long, but the time had come for him to go his own way. Joasia, too, has decided to leave, and I support her completely and wish her strength, and happiness, and love. I didn't know her for nearly as long as Eric, but every day we worked together I could see a little more of her brilliance, and we played some truly amazing shows together, and I will miss her, and her talent, and perhaps one day we will work together again, and that day will be unmissable...

But oh yeah, this band, it will not end, it will not die. I won't let it and neither will the universe (thank you, universe) because a few weeks ago, you see, I met this boy. In fact he moved in with me (not like that, you guys, he already has a boyfriend and so lovely they are together, too) and he is a sneaky wee thing, because it was a couple of weeks after I met him that I heard him playing the violin, and oh, how he plays.

He will be mine. He will be a rock star. He just doesn't know it yet.

Now I know you can't replace one band member with another and you can't replace one string instrument with another so I'll say it here, replacement is not the thing. Change is the thing.

We're evolving.

And some people won't like it, and some people will love it, and that's just how it is.

Just trust me.

And I'm on the lookout for someone else to play keyboard/piano/grand piano something that sounds like that... How awesome would a grand piano be!? Horrific for touring, though. Man, I want to tour, I miss it. It's exhausting but omg, I can't wait to tour again. And we will! We will...

My... our housemate died. Stasia died. Last night she was alive and this morning she is dead and it just happened during the night and now she's gone. She hit her head and not long ago I hit my head and here I am still, and was it force or was it angel I don't know, or was it just chance. I don't know. I just can't believe this.

its my birthday tomorrow and I am aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

There's a lump on my head the size of Jupiter! I'm not supposed to leave the hospital yet because yesterday I was having lunch and I stood up and fainted ooooooops. But I can use the computers to say that I love you all so much and you have all been so wonderful to me friends fans and family. Yes family. I know I don't say it a lot or even at all really but I AM ALIVE and my friends are alive and the world is beautiful!
maybe i sound like I'm high a litle bit but I'm NOT, I even told them not to give me any morphine even though my head really hurts but I'm going to be so fine, so deliciously fine! I'm kinda hungry but also kinda sick so I don't want to eat but I only don't want to eat because I think I'll throw it up all over myself again like I did after I fainted (am I totally grossing you out yet?) but that's because I'm still concussed a little and that might last a few days but then I'm throwing the biggest birthday party for myself the world has ever SEEN.

but now I am so sleepy and the screen is sort of hurting my eyes.

BYE FOR NOW MY SWEETS!

Well, that's easy.

Married. Wow.

Maybe this is just the way things were supposed to be... but it feels like just yesterday that we were together. And when Quinn recovered I knew Flynn needed to be with him but I never quite thought that the time we had together was all the time we would ever get...

I can't help thinking what if he was the only one I'll ever love that way, who'll love me too?

But he's happy. That's what really matters, he's happy. And by the time he gets back from America I'll be better.

;)

Just got home, and now, out the door! I have a glorious Spectre gig to attend.

I think I'd like to take you up on that offer for Christmas. Otherwise I'm just going to spend it hiding, and I don't want to do that.

And I have a present for you too :)

I think when Scarlett leaves I'm going to go to Edinburgh for a while.

A very pregnant very raggedy cat has just shown up on our doorstep and now she's giving birth in the lounge help help help what can I do?!

BIG PINK LEATHER SPIKEY TEDDY!

So much posting for me today! But I just had the most manic game of Singstar and I'm far far too hyper to sleep and besides I used to post all the time and LJ has been deprived of my presence long enough and damned if I'm not going to catch up as quickly as possible.

I've been writing! This is just the first knock-up and it needs a little bit of prodding and poking but the shape of it is shapely in my head.

( We Sing )

That's all!

I was on the bus today, which really isn't important to the story, and listening to the soundtrack from Rent, which is a little more important, because, heh, no real big life decisions can seriously be made without the backing soundtrack of showtunes. It's Mark's line, "the opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation."

Yes.

My mind went from that, to us. And for the first time since Quinn's miraculous recovery (^_^) it wasn't about us as in us but just... us. Friends-us, like it was bfore. Because we're creators and I think that's what has saved us from our lives. No, I know it has.

I love you, Flynn.

But even more than that, I trust you. Which is why I can tell you that, and I've never told anyone that for... lots of reasons. And I don't say it because I want to take you away from you-and-Quinn. I don't want to harm what you have at all. Your happiness means so much to me! So very much. It's an inspiration to see you smile. And Quinn is truly amazing. You know he apologised to me for waking up? He apologised for hurting me when anyone else would just be revelling in the amazement of being alive and with their love again.

But see I've barely left my room because I've been mourning what I can't have and what could have been that I've forgotten what I still do have and what still could be. Which is stupid. I'm making myself miserable and I've been miserable enough in my life.

To keep creating is important if we're going to change the world.

I don't want to avoid you anymore. I think the joy of seeing you again will far overpower the pain of not being with you. Just becaues thre's a Flynn-and-Quinn in the world doesn't mean there's not room in this world for us as well. At least, I hope. But I like to think I know you enough to know you probably think the same way. Or maybe you taught me to think this way, I don't know. But I miss your friendship. I miss you. Your friendship means far, far too much to me to just let it go, and I don't plan to.

Thats all :)

I wish we were the ones making a side band. I would've loved to create something like that with you.

I would've loved...

You.

You think you listen to girly music? ;) Have you ever seen Anastasia? Well I was listening to the soundtrack I just happen to have found on my computer for some unexplained mysterious reason :P

( This is... Disney! )